Another Day On the Enterprise
by Poor Richard
Summary: These are the humerous chronicles of the NX-101 Enterprise. It all started when Archer sent the ship to a Vulcan planet for supplies. Chapter 8, 'Boarding', now loaded. Coming Soon: The startling conclusion of 'Boarding'!
1. Another Day On the Enterprise

Title: Another Day On The Enterprise  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Main Characters: N/A  
  
Series Timeline: 'Enterprise'  
  
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, insignia, ideas, designs, and technobabble are the sole property of Paramount.  
  
*Scene: The NX-101 U.S.S. Enterprise glides through space past the camera. Don't ask my why they aren't at Warp speed. Anyway…  
  
Archers voice is heard, "Captains Log, May 1, 2151. I have ordered the ship to travel at maximum speed towards the nearest star-base…I mean, Vulcan planet…to pick up fresh supplies. Now I have to report to duty…dang it's boring here…I mean, there's no techno-babble to make exiting things happen, there are no ensigns to kill in foolish away missions, and there is little to no sexual tension on the ship-"  
  
T'Pol interrupts the captain, "Captain, please report to the bridge."  
  
Archer replies, "Aw man…fine…be right up…"  
  
Archer walks down the hall towards the turbo-lift…or elevator…or whatever it is called…but suddenly stops in the middle of the corridor. Archer turns, and walks down the hall. Finally, Archer reaches the mess hall. "How can I help you, Captain?" Says the cook.  
  
"I'll have some of that fresh berry pie…I could smell it all the way down the hall!"  
  
"I'll right then." The cook leans over the mess hall server-display console and suddenly looks up disturbed. "Captain, according to this, you've used up your entire weekly rations. It's only Thursday!"  
  
"Oh, let me fix that…" Archer replies. Archer walks over to the display and pushes several buttons, and then says, "Command code Beta-101-47."  
  
Computer announces, "Self-destruct will commence in 4 minutes, 47 seconds."  
  
Archer says, "Oh crap, wrong codes, sorry cook…" Archer enters a new code and removes a piece of fresh pie from the shelf. "I think that should fix that ration problem…see you later!"  
  
Archer walks of the elevator/turbo-lift/transport device and onto the bridge. T'Pol comments, "Captain, you are 7.47 minutes late for your shift on the bridge, and let me also mention you are not allowed to eat blueberry pie on the bridge."  
  
Archer hides the pie behind his back. "What pie?" he asks innocently.  
  
Computer announces, "Self-destruct will commence in 3 minutes."  
  
Archer jumps, "Crap, I forgot to turn that off!" Archer drops the pie on the floor and runs over to the nearest console. "Abort self-destruct Captains Authorization Code Beta 101-47!"  
  
Computer replies, "Self-destruct abort requires Sub-Commander Authorization Code."  
  
"T'Pol, get over here and turn of the self-destruct sequence! I can't get it to stop!" Archer whines.  
  
T'Pol calmly states, "Abort self-destruct Sub-Commander Authorization Code Delta 47-Pi."  
  
Archer states, "Hoshi, put me on intercom…thank you. This is your captain speaking. This has been a test of the Emergency Self-Destruct System. Had it been a real self-destruct, I would of ran down the hall screaming towards the captains personal escape pod, and the rest of the crew would of evacuated through the other escape pods, the shuttle-pods, and the transporter room. Thank-you. That is all."  
  
T'Pol looks up at the captain with a skeptical look. "Captain, 33% of the crew have already abandoned ship during the self-destruct warnings. Also, two ensigns panicked and tried transporting of the ship."  
  
"Were are the ensigns now?"  
  
"They got caught on the warp nacelles and picked up by an escape pod. Aside from some massive internal injuries they should be fine after a couple of weeks down in the sickbay."  
  
Archer nods. "That's very, very good news. I mean, with only 82 people on the ship, we can't afford to lose an ensign to something like a transporter accident…well, that was fun, but I have to go to the bathroom now…" The Captain excuses himself from the bridge.  
  
Half an hour later, T'Pol looks around annoyed. "T'Pol to Archer. You were supposed to report back to your shift 15 minutes ago. Please report to the bridge."  
  
Ten minutes later Archer walks onto the bridge and slumps into the captain's chair. "Hey, Mayweather, why aren't we at Warp speed?"  
  
Mayweather turns around, "Captain, you said to go at maximum speed and this is maximum speed. You see, Albert Einstein said that nothing could go faster then light speed. When we go to warp we bend time-space and travel through the little space-time bend at 3 quarters impulse. So technically full impulse outside of warp is the fastest-"  
  
"Aw, cut it Mayweather. That isn't even real techno-babble. So shut up and take me to warp speed, now!"  
  
"Right away Captain!" Mayweather leans over his sensors. "Oh wait captain, there's still one escape-pod that hasn't docked yet…"  
  
"Who's on board the space-pod?"  
  
"Three minor crewmen and two ensigns with massive internal injuries."  
  
Archer nods. "Well, they can wait to be picked up, but our mission can't wait. Mayweather, set coarse again for the nearest Vulcan planet, Warp 9."  
  
Mayweather rolls his eyes. "Captain, we don't have Warp 9."  
  
"Okay then…Warp 4.7. And straight on 'till morning."  
  
T'Pol comments, "Captain, at Warp 4.7, we will reach the planet in only 3 hours, not one day."  
  
"Alright! All right! Just let us be on! Make it so! Engage!"  
  
Captain Picard begins to walk on to the bridge to protest Archers use of his line, but the crew of the time-ship Relativity drag him away before he can interfere with the time line. 


	2. Sri'Mastra Alpha

Title: Another Day On the Enterprise  
  
Chapter Title: Sri'Mastra Alpha  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Main Characters: N/A  
  
Series Timeline: 'Enterprise'  
  
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, insignia, ideas, designs, and techno-babble are the sole property of Paramount Pictures.  
  
*Scene: The NX-101 Enterprise glides through space at a slow warp-speed. The seen shifts to the inside of the Captains quarters.  
  
Archer says, "Computer. Activate Captains Log."  
  
Computer replies, "This is the U.S.S. Enterprise ship computer. The computers intelligence mainframe is currently busy assisting Mr. Tucker in downloading several large visual files from Jupiter Station. You will have to enter your captain's log manually. Please begin your log after the beep." Five seconds later, the computer says, "Beep."  
  
Archer begins, "Captains Log, May 2, 2160. The ship is still on course for the Vulcan planet Sri'Masta Alpha. T'Pol says we'll be there in only one and a half hours. But, the ship is still so boring…I've now said 'I wish, I wish, upon a star…' at least a dozen times now. Upon getting to the planet I have promised to give the crew a few days shore leave, because I think they may be getting cabin fever. Just yesterday Ensign Suber attacked another ensign with a knife after they had an argument about who got to sit in the front row at the weekly movie. I've decided to let Ensign Suber of easy with just a day in the brig and a prescription of pills from Doctor Phlox. The rascal reminds me of myself back when I was an ensign…"  
  
Archer then heads for the ships bridge to use up some of his time. He enters the bridge and takes his seat. "Report! Are there any ships within range? Are there any strange planets, comets, or abandoned ships to explore?"  
  
T'Pol looks into her scanner-viewer and reports, "Long-range sensors detect almost a dozen Vulcan vessels and 47 satellites orbiting Sri'Mastra. Other then that, there is one Human escape pod approximately ten light-years behind us with five life-signs onboard."  
  
Archer nods, "Oh yes, that crew of ensigns we left-behind…this should be a good learning experience for them. How to survive in deep-space in a small, cramped space-pod…"  
  
Mayweather interrupts, "Captain, shouldn't we go back and get them? I mean, an escape pod has only five days of air and supplies onboard..."  
  
Archer rolls his eyes, "Mayweather, shut-up or you may go down as the first Starfleet  
  
Ensign killed on an away mission. One of the major kickbacks of it is that each escape-pod and shuttle-pod is equipped with an onboard camera. Starfleet can sell the videos to a cable-company for millions!"  
  
Mayweather jumps up, "Captain! That's sick!"  
  
Archer responds, "Let me explain a little something to you, Mayweather. For the past 175 years the funding of almost every military institution on Earth has been floundering. This is especially true for Starfleet. We need extra-funding. Besides, who else will there be to produce Survivor 47?"  
  
Mayweather turns back to his station. T'Pol mutters to herself, "Barbarians…"  
  
Meanwhile, on the escape pod…  
  
Ensign Jessica addresses the small crew, "We have been stranded in a mostly uncharted section of space. We are years away from home, and have been abandoned by our mother-ship. We have a limited supply of food and water, so were going to have to find supplies. We have some friends in this space, but also some enemies. So, I suggest we set a course for home. Who's with me?"  
  
Ensigns Jake and Mackenzie nod in approval. The other two Ensigns are unable to speak because they are both in comas. Jessica nods in approval, "Okay then. Mr. Smith, set a coarse for home."  
  
Ensign Jake Smith plots their new coarse on the pods navigational controls. "At our current speed, we should reach Earth in about…50 years."  
  
Ensign Mackenzie reports, "Jessica, there is a Vulcan base only a 10 light- years away, which would mean a trip of only 5 years. Also, there is a Flooritoid spacecraft within hailing range."  
  
Ensign Jessica nods, "Okay, belay that last order. Jake, set coarse for the Vulcan base. Mackenzie, hail that Flooritoid spacecraft and tell them we've been abandoned by our captain and seek asylum. I'll be in the back of the ship, tending our wounded."  
  
The Ensigns all set about to their tasks, not knowing the strange fate that awaits them…  
  
Meanwhile, on board the Enterprise…  
  
Archer enters Engineering to inquire on the status of the Backup Warp Manifolds. "Mr. Tucker, are the Backup Warp Manifolds repaired yet?"  
  
Trip looks surprised, "What Warp Manifolds?"  
  
Archer looks irked, "I told you five hours ago to repair the backup Warp Manifolds! Hey, just what the heck are you doing?" Archer tries to look over Trips shoulder at the computer terminal Trip is looking at, but Trip quickly tries to close the program. "I demand you let me see the program you are running!"  
  
Trip finally gives in, and steps aside. Archer browses the file and looks up in surprise. "This is what you downloaded over our sub-space transponder? Playboy magazine? 'Vulcan Centerfolds'?!"  
  
Trip argues defensively, "Cap'n, it's not what it looks like! I was just doing some…um…cultural background study!"  
  
Archer replies, "Well, next time read the Vulcan archives! You used up valuable transponder time! I'm immediately confiscating these files!"  
  
Archer quickly loads the files to a disk and leaves Engineering, heading for his quarters. When he gets to his quarters, he quickly sticks the file into his personal computer. "Woohoo…would you look at that…'Exclusive Article: The Secrets of Pon Farr'…Porthos, would you look at that…say, that one almost looks like T'Pol…"  
  
Suddenly, Archer notices a small blinking light on the side of his console. "Computer, how long has the Captains Log been active?"  
  
Computer replies, "1 hour, 47 minutes, and 47 seconds."  
  
Archer curses, "Computer, take the Captains Log offline! End Log!  
  
Suddenly, from the door, comes a beep. Archer, not thinking straight, says "Enter!"  
  
Hoshi walks in with a data pad in her hand and begins speaking, "Captain, I have some of the translated data from the Flooritoid ship we encountered last week…What the heck is that on your screen commander?!? It's…it's…" Hoshi begins looking at the screen longingly, "Captain, could you please send me a copy of that file? Err, I mean, a copy of the other documents that also came from the other ship…though I would like a copy of that file…um, permission to shut up and leave Captain?"  
  
Archer replies, "Permission granted."  
  
After Hoshi leaves, Archer quickly closes the program he was looking at and goes about his daily chore of feeding Porthos. The computer gives a beep, meaning the Captain has been hailed. Archer says, "Open channel."  
  
T'Pol begins, captain, we will be entering orbit of Sri'Mastra Alpha in 14 minutes, 47 seconds. I recommend you report to the bridge now."  
  
Archer says, "On my way."  
  
  
  
Writers Log: April 18, 2002. I request that anyone who is reading this to please review this immediately. That's an order! Please review this and tell me my mission, to boldly go and make fools of my favorite TV characters, in a continuing mission to give others new comedies, and new fun laughs, is not in vain. End Log. 


	3. Planetfall

Title: Another Day On the Enterprise  
  
Chapter Title: Planet-fall  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Main Characters: N/A  
  
Series Timeline: Enterprise  
  
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, insignia, ideas, designs, and techno-babble are the sole property of Paramount Pictures.  
  
*Scene: The Enterprise, gliding at a slow warp, approaches a star-system.  
  
Archer begins, "Captains Log, Supplemental, the ship is now approaching Sri'Mastra Alpha, a Vulcan outpost, so we can pick-up supplies. Also, I notice that recently Porthos has been feeling a bit feverish. I will have to take him to see Dr. Phlox before the end of the day. Well, I need to go now. T'Pol has been yelling at me for hours about not getting to my duty shift in time. Jeez. End Log…"  
  
2 minutes later, Archer walks on board the bridge and adjusts his uniform. He then sits down in the Captains Chair. "Report?"  
  
T'Pol reports in, "We will be entering the Sri'Mastra system in only 47 seconds, and we will reach orbit in less then 3 minutes."  
  
Mayweather also reports, "Captain, we are being hailed."  
  
Archer responds, "Put it on aud…wait a minute, isn't communications Hoshi's job?"  
  
Mayweather replies, "Actually it is sir…it just happens I was looking over at Hoshi when I noticed the 'We are being hailed' light was blinking."  
  
Hoshi, straightening up, begins, "He's right captain, we are being hailed by the planet Sri'Mastra Prime. I'll put it on audio…"  
  
Vulcan voices are heard, saying, "Unidentified vessel, identify yourselves in 30 seconds or be fired on. I repeat, this is the Sri'Mastra defensive array, you are entering unauthorized space…"  
  
Archer jumps up, "T'Pol! I thought I told you to get our authorization papers filled out last night!"  
  
T'Pol replies, "I am sorry Captain, but I do not recall you ever asking me to fill out our authorization papers last night. The entire day yesterday I was meditating in my quarters."  
  
Reed interrupts, "Captain! The defense array is firing photon torpedoes!"  
  
Archer begins giving orders, "Reed! Evasive maneuvers! Mayweather! Pull us out of warp! Sato! Hail the Sri'Mastra array!"  
  
Hoshi stutters, "I can't raise the array! There's some kind of interference…the UT panel just blew out! I can't remember the four basic Vulcan syntaxes! WE"RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Hoshi begins panting hard and choking.  
  
T'Pol states, "Captain, it appears Ensign Hoshi is having another panic attack. I suggest I take her down to sickbay."  
  
Archer replies, "Do it! Reed, how long until impact?"  
  
Reed responds, "We only have 47 bloody seconds sir! The engines just can't outrun a Vulcan torpedo long enough!"  
  
Trip beeps Archer. The seen shifts down to the engine room. "Cap'n I have an idea! I read somewhere that most torpedoes, including Vulcan torpedoes, trace ships by their faint Warp signatures!"  
  
Archer looks about, "So what are you suggesting, Mr. Tucker? That we self- destruct the Warp core?"  
  
Trip roles his eyes, "Well, actually Captain, your idea would blow up the whole ship. I was thinking we just eject the Warp core."  
  
Archer responds, "Brilliant! Do it now!"  
  
Engineering is barely evacuated in time and one luck-less ensign nearly gets his foot cut of by a lowering door. The Warp core is ejected just in time, blowing up only four seconds after being ejected.  
  
Archer shouts, "Report!"  
  
Reed begins, "Warp core destroyed, a single breech on the ships lower deck, hull damage on saucer underside, nacelles intact."  
  
T'Pol sits herself down in the station formerly occupied by Hoshi. "Captain, I have been able to contact the Sri'Mastra Vulcan command station. They say they are sorry for putting my life at risk, and they also say they are mildly sorry for nearly blowing up your ship."  
  
Archer questions T'Pol, "What did they say about getting us out of this mess?"  
  
T'Pol answers, "They say they will send a freighter tow-ship to bring us into orbit, and they will also give us some parts to fix our damages."  
  
Archer responds, "Oh, that's so nice. Well, I'll be in my quarters filling out a lawsuit. T'Pol, take the bridge."  
  
Meanwhile, 20 light-years away…  
  
On a small escape pod huddled three ensigns, all beginning to suffer from hypothermia.  
  
Ensign Jake Smith reports, "Ensign Je- Je- Jessica, we are being intercepted by a F- F- Flooritoid ship…"  
  
Ensign Jessica responds, "Onscreen"  
  
On the tiny laptop screen in front of the ensigns appears the picture of a green skinned alien with a very, very large nose. "What can we do for you?"  
  
Ensign Jessica replies, "We need food and water, and medical supplies. We could also use a small transport of some sort, if you could spare it."  
  
The Flooritoid responds, "I do not give away supplies. What can you offer me?"  
  
Ensign Jessica begins thinking, "One minute, let me converse with my crewmates."  
  
The three ensigns get in a huddle. Jessica begins, "Okay, is anyone willing to offer a sexual favor to him?"  
  
Mackenzie responds, "Oh, no way!"  
  
Jessica goes on, "Okay, maybe we could sell someone into slavery?"  
  
Jake replies, "Hey, stop looking at me! I'd rather slit my own throat first!"  
  
Jessica thinks deeply. "Okay, I have an idea. Turn the comm.-link back on please."  
  
The Flooritoid alien appears on the screen. Jessica addresses him, "Sir, what would you give us in exchange for Starfleet's deepest military secrets?"  
  
The alien just smiles.  
  
Meanwhile, on Earth…  
  
A message boy runs into the Admirals office panting, "Admiral! Admiral! Important news from the Vulcan embassy!"  
  
The admiral responds, "What the hell is it?"  
  
"The Starship Enterprise was nearly destroyed in an accidental Vulcan attack! Captain Archer was nearly killed!"  
  
The Admiral raises an eyebrow, "Nearly killed? You mean he's still alive?"  
  
"Yes sir! That's what I'm sayin'!"  
  
The Admiral slams his fists on the desk. "Damn. He wasn't killed. What a pity…"  
  
  
  
  
  
Coming up next: The VeeNiS, Reeds spy activities, and Porthos gets sick! 


	4. The VeeNiS

Title: Another Day On the Enterprise  
  
Chapter Title: The VeeNiS  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Main Characters: N/A  
  
Series Timeline: 'Enterprise'  
  
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, insignia, ideas, designs, and techno-babble are the sole property of Paramount Pictures.  
  
  
  
*Scene: The Enterprise majestically orbits a brownish-green M-class planet, Sri'Mastra. The seen shifts to the inside of the captain's quarters.  
  
Archer begins, "Captains Log, May 4, 2151. The ship has finally entered orbit around Sri'Mastra Alpha. In the course of getting to the planet to pick up supplies, we lost five ensigns, our warp-core, my weekly ration points, and Porthos got sick. It just isn't turning out to be a very good week. I asked Dr. Phlox about Porthos, and he said to give him lots of bed rest and no cheese. He also said I have to bring Porthos to see him later today. Also, Trip has been working around the clock to install the new Warp engine the Vulcan's replicated for us. I'll have to send them a thank-you note later. End Log."  
  
Archer hears the door beep, and says "Enter."  
  
Hoshi walks in, and addresses the Captain, "Captain, there are rumors going throughout the ship that you aren't going to bother giving us shore leave on the planet."  
  
Archer nods, "Hoshi, the effects of 40 humans landing on a Vulcan planet would be enormous…most of these Vulcan's haven't even seen Humans before."  
  
Hoshi whines, "But Captain, we all need shore leave! The crew has been stuck on the ship for more then two months now. Just four days ago Ensign Suber went crazy from being cooped up and attacked another crew man with a knife."  
  
Archer reminisces, "Oh ya…watching that knife fight was real fun…well, anyway, I have an idea. How about 7 people go to the surface for shore leave."  
  
Hoshi looks puzzled, "But who would get go?"  
  
Archer states, "Why, main characters of coarse. And the mentally ill. I guess you, Ensign Suber, Ensign Cutler, Reed…and a few other no names can go. How does that sound?"  
  
Hoshi replies, "Fantastic! But captain, maybe you should go over there and check the crew list, so you can pick out the other three people who get to go."  
  
Archer responds, "Hmm, maybe I should…"  
  
While Archer turns his back to Hoshi, she tips toes over to Archers computer and boots up the 'Playboy: Vulcan Centerfolds' program. Hoshi then sticks a disk into the computers drive and downloads the file to her disk. She quickly turns of the program again.  
  
Archer turns around. "Hoshi, what were you just doing on my computer?"  
  
Hoshi lies, "I was loading an update for your personal UT. You should now be able to also translate Flooritoid, Ferengi, and three new dialects of Klingon and Vulcan."  
  
Archer gives her a suspicious glance, and begins, "Well, looking over the crew compliment, I think I should let Ensigns Jake, Mackenzie, and Jessica get shore-leave. They've been working real hard for the past two weeks…"  
  
Hoshi interrupts, "Don't you remember Captain? You ordered us to abandon those crew members in deep space four days ago."  
  
Archer nods, "Oh ya. Too bad. Well, just take three other randomly picked ensigns. I need to report to the bridge."  
  
Archer walks onto the bridge, sits down, and begins playing with a Rubik's cube. He finally looks up tree minutes later and says, "Report!"  
  
T'Pol begins, "The new warp core has been installed in engineering. Being in prime condition, the new core will allow us to reach Warp factor 5.2. Also, all damage repairs on the lower saucer section has been completed. Currently, 7 crew members are in Transporter Room 1 waiting to be beamed to the surface for shore leave."  
  
Archer responds, "Very well. Energize."  
  
Meanwhile, on board a Flooritoid starship in deep space…  
  
The lime green, giant nosed alien escorted the ensigns through his ship. "In exchange for your information, my medical staff shall resuscitate your injured crew mates. Also, we will give you one of our own escape pods for one-way transport to your destination planet, stocked with a two-week supply of food," the alien presses a button on a wall. A door slides open to reveal a shuttlecraft hanger. "Here is the escape pod. It is slightly smaller then your own escape pod, and can reach Warp 1."  
  
Ensign Mackenzie looks over the pod, "You know, we could weld these two escape pods together, the Flooritoid pod and our own. That would give us extra range, extra supplies, and more legroom. What do you think?"  
  
Both ensigns respond enthusiastically. Ensign Jessica comments, "I bet we could get it done in only two days. Would you mind if we welded the two pods together?"  
  
The Flooritoid shrugs. "Not at all. Just get of my ship by the end of the week."  
  
Meanwhile, on Sri'Mastra Alpha…  
  
Mr. Reed, the ships armory officer, sneaks through a Vulcan compound. He sees a pair of Vulcan officers coming around a corner, so he ducks into a doorway. After the Vulcan's pass, Reed continues down a small hallway and turns into a door marked 'Grey Level Security'.  
  
Reed enters the room and sees it is empty. The room is a cavernous facility filled with oblong tubes. He walks up to one of the tubs and opens it. Inside is a fierce looking, rectangle shaped torpedo with an attached warp engine.  
  
Reed begins fondling the torpedo. "Wow…an SSR 26-47 Vulcan Photon Torpedo with a 6.5 Warp Factor Engine." Reed pulls out a tricorder and scans the length of the torpedo. "Design sketch transferred to tricorder…check." Reed then starts setting up Transporter beacons around the torpedo. "This baby is mine…"  
  
Suddenly, a red alert sounds throughout the facility. Reed hears over the speakers over and over, "Laspwana Sesnoma! Laspwana Sesnoma!" The UT translates it for Reed as, "Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!"  
  
Reed curses, "Bloody hell…Enterprise, this is Lieutenant Reed! Activate Emergency Transport!"  
  
Reed is transported onto the Enterprise just as dozens of fully armed Vulcan security officers pour into the chamber.  
  
Meanwhile, in the Enterprise sickbay…  
  
Dr. Phlox looks over Porthos, who is very sick. "It appears that Porthos has been struck by a somewhat serious virus, Captain. It may have been picked up from a Flooritoid pet after our encounter with them some weeks ago."  
  
Archer asks anxiously, "Is he going to be okay? He's not gonna die, is he?"  
  
Dr. Phlox replies, "Porthos would die, but I happen to have a Jovian Stinglebat onboard. You see, combined with secret ingredients, Stinglebat dung makes a fine antidote for Porthos's ailment. I can have it made within three hours."  
  
Archer sighs, "Well then, get on it right away, please."  
  
As Archer is about to leave sickbay, a beep comes from one of the intercom panels. Archer goes over to it and says, "What is it?"  
  
Mayweather replies, "Captain! We're being attacked by Vulcan defense cruisers again! There was a accident on the surface and Lieutenant Reed ordered an Emergency Beam Out…"  
  
Suddenly, two Vulcans materialize in the middle of sickbay. Mayweather continues, "Captain, we've just been boarded by the Vulcans!"  
  
The Captain replies, "We noticed." The Captain turns to the Vulcans and addresses them. "Take what you want and get of my ship!"  
  
The first Vulcan responds, "We are conducting an investigation of a break in at a Vulcan torpedo silo. We have to main suspects we wish to interrogate."  
  
"Who then?"  
  
The Vulcans approach the Captain. "You and Dr. Phlox."  
  
Archer questions the first Vulcan, "Why the hell would you take Dr. Phlox, or even suspect him?!"  
  
The second Vulcan steps forward. "We represent the V.N.S., the Vulcan Neutralization Service, also known as VeeNiS. Dr. Phloxes Species Exchange Visa expired six months ago, and we have been looking for him since. Vulcan Species Exchange students have a history of acting as spies for their home planets, and that is why we strongly suspect him."  
  
Archer complains, "But you can't take him away! My doggy Porthos will die if you do!"  
  
The Vulcans pay no attention to Archer and use a neck pinch on him. They then beam of the ship with Archer and Phlox.  
  
  
  
  
  
Writers Log: April 19, 2002. I would like to thank you all for your positive reviews, and I promise I will keep on publishing more funny chapters and stories. Please review a chapter if you feel it is really funny, or if you feel it needs to be revised if it isn't funny at all. Coming up next week: The Search For Phlox! 


	5. Sacrifice

Title: Another Day On the Enterprise  
  
Chapter Title: Sacrifice  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Main Characters: N/A  
  
Series Timeline: 'Enterprise'  
  
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, ideas, designs, and techno-babble are the sole property of Paramount Pictures and god knows what other companies they are merged with.  
  
  
  
*Scene: The NX-101 U.S.S. Enterprise orbits the planet Sri'Mastra Prime.  
  
  
  
We hear T'Pols voice reading her log. "Science Officers Log, May 6, 2151. While conducting an investigation of a break-in at a Vulcan torpedo silo, Vulcan officials have arrested the captain and Dr. Phlox, leaving me in charge. I am cooperating with the Vulcan officials in there investigation. During my duty as Captain, I appointed Ensign Cutler as temporary ship doctor and took the liberty to access the captain's personal files. While examining his files, I proceeded to delete one lawsuit against the Vulcan High Command, his cache of pornography, and several of his references to my ineptness as a member of the crew. Currently, the ship is restocking supplies and Ensign Cutler is treating the doctors 'pet' Porthos for a deadly virus he has contracted."  
  
Meanwhile, in a Vulcan prison complex…  
  
A Vulcan male lifts his rifle and brings the rifles barrel down onto Archers shoulder. "Tell us who broke into the silo!"  
  
Archer pleads, "Really I don't know! I need you to release my doctor, my dog is going to die if you don't!"  
  
The first Vulcan hits Archer across the face. The second Vulcan male steps up. "We know one of your crew members was at that silo. Was it Mr. Tucker? Was it you, yourself? Answer me!"  
  
Archer responds, "I have no idea who did it! Why would I do that?"  
  
The second Vulcan kicks Archer. By now he has a bloody nose and a bruise on his forehead. The first Vulcan leans forward and shouts, "Do not lie to us!"  
  
Archer finally breaks out in tears, "Please…I have no idea what you're talking about! I just want my doggy to live! Porthos! Porthos!" Archer continues crying into his hands.  
  
The two Vulcans leave the room and walk into another room separate from the interrogation chamber by a soundproof, one-way window. There, they meet a female Vulcan. The female Vulcan asks, "What did you learn, Agent D'Gett?"  
  
The first Vulcan responds, "Nothing, Agent Sc'Lee. We can't get anything out of him."  
  
Agent Sc'Lee turns to the second Vulcan. "Did you try a mind-meld, Agent Serem?"  
  
Agent Serem responds, "Yes, Agent Mul'Da attempted a mind-meld. However, he wound up running of yelling something about flying monkeys. We admitted him to sickbay. We then resorted to using Nausican interrogation techniques, but the subject wouldn't respond."  
  
Agent Sc'Lee thought to herself. "I don't think he knows anything. He's clearly mentally eroded beyond the point to be able to plan an intricate spy operation. No, it had to have been someone else from that starship."  
  
Agent Serem inquired, "Should we make another arrest?"  
  
Agent D'Gett said, "That would be illogical Serem. We can't simply arrest everyone on the ship. I have a much simpler idea…"  
  
Meanwhile, in the ships officers' galley…  
  
T'Pol stands to address the officers around her, including Trip, Reed, Hoshi, Mayweather, and all the other major characters. "I have gathered you here because this is the closest thing on the ship to a briefing room. The situation is dire, as we must immediately rescue Captain Archer and Dr. Phlox. Actually, I don't care about the captain at all, but we must rescue Dr. Phlox because he is the one who synthesizes my supply of nasal numbing agents. I only have a two-day supply of numbing agents!"  
  
Reed then stands up. "We have to rescue the captain. It's that simple. While I would quickly volunteer to become acting commander, I can't afford to have the Vulcans get any…um…closer…"  
  
Then Trip stands up as Reed sits down. "I owe the captain my life, 5 times over. The captain owes me his life, 4 times over. I need to change that score to 5-6 so I can kill him and have no more debt."  
  
Ensign Cutler then stands up. Although she wouldn't usually be at staff meetings, she's there today because she happens to be a main character in this episode. "First of all, we need to rescue the doctor for…um…personal reasons. Second of all, I want to get back to my old work! Being a doctor is just to damn hard!"  
  
T'Pol stands up again. "Alright then. I think it would be fair to take a vote. All who want to save the captain and doctor say aye. All against, say nay."  
  
"Aye!"  
  
"Aye!"  
  
"Aye!"  
  
"Aye!"  
  
"Nay!"  
  
"Nay!"  
  
"Nay!"  
  
T'Pol nods, "Alright, 4 ayes, 3 nays. We have to rescue the Captain and Dr. Phlox."  
  
Hoshi suddenly stands up. "Hay! There are only 6 people here, and there were 7 votes! I demand a recount!"  
  
Trip shouts, "Oh, shut up!"  
  
T'Pol shakes her head. "I'm afraid there's nothing to do about it. If there was a miss vote, it is well within her interplanetary rights to seek legal action."  
  
Hoshi nods. "I'll contact Starfleet Command in San Francisco and ask them to decide for us."  
  
Meanwhile, on board a Flooritoid freighter several light-years away…  
  
Ensign Jessica lifted of her hard hat, and sighed. She and Ensign Jake had been welding a hybrid shuttle, which was part Starfleet escape pod, part Flooritoid escape shuttle. Suddenly, the cargo-bay doors whooshed open and walked in Ensign Mackenzie and the Flooritoid alien, followed by to distorted ensigns.  
  
The first unnamed ensign rushed forward. "What the hell is going on?"  
  
Jessica gaze him a puzzled look. "Don't you remember? There was a transporter accident when the Captain ordered a self-destruct. You two beamed out into space, and we saved you. Then the Captain left us behind…."  
  
Jake picked up her sentence, "…and left us to die in space…"  
  
Mackenzie finished their sentence, gritting her teeth. "…and now were bent on getting revenge."  
  
The two unnamed ensigns looked at each other and shrugged. The second one spoke up. "Whatever. Let's go with it."  
  
The Flooritoid captain tapped his heal and flared his giant nostrils, as Flooritoids are apt to do when they are inpatient. "Well, it's time for you to go. I need to make a run by a colony to pick up an illegal batch of Romulan Ale, and I need to store it in here. So get out of my cargo bay!"  
  
Jessica nods. "Alright, everyone load up."  
  
After that, the crew loads up and the hybrid shuttlecraft takes off into space. Inside the small main cabin, Ensign Jake looks at a star chart. "I heard from a friend you could buy weapons at one of the planets in the Regula sector. I wonder which planet we should go to?"  
  
Mackenzie looks at the chart. "There are two planets in that area…Risa, and Q'Pla. Which one sounds like a weapons planet?"  
  
Jessica takes a look. "I think Risa sounds like a good, dark place to plan our horrible revenge. Set course!"  
  
Meanwhile, back in the officers' galley…  
  
The Admiral appears on a large wall screen. "After reviewing your case, I must say there is only one person on Earth who can decide for you. And that person is our head of Starfleet JAG, Officers' Disputes Section, former Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris."  
  
Mayweather gives a puzzled look, "Katherine Harris? Shouldn't she be dead? Besides, how did she get that kind of high ranking job?"  
  
The Admiral looks uncomfortable. "Well, we were forced to give her a cushy job by former president George Bush the IV. As for how she has stayed alive, I must say she's more make-up then man."  
  
Katherine Harris comes on the view screen. She is gray haired, and is hooked to several life-support mechanisms. On her face are the caked layers of almost two centuries of make-up. "What is your question?"  
  
Hoshi nervously stands up. "Should we rescue the Captain?"  
  
Harris replies, in an almost mystical voice, "Hmm…"  
  
She pulls out a coin and flips it. "Yes you should."  
  
Reed stands up and asks, "Do you always use a coin to make decisions?"  
  
She nods, "Hell yes! It worked in the 2000 election didn't it?"  
  
Reed looks quizzical, "But didn't George Bush the 2nd launch the 3rd World War?"  
  
She responds, "Oh no, that was George Bush the 3rd. You need to keep your George Bushes straight dear. Now if there aren't any more questions…"  
  
Mayweather jumps up, "How do you stay so young?"  
  
She looks sheepishly, "Well, it's an old longevity trick. You see, my many layers of makeup make an impenetrable barrier for germs…"  
  
T'Pol stands and turns of the monitor, "We need to find a way to rescue the Captain, and I have the perfect idea. Everyone, please report to the bridge…"  
  
One hour later, one the bridge…  
  
Hoshi looks up. "We're being hailed."  
  
T'Pol nods, "Onscreen"  
  
Agent Sc'Lee of the VeeNiS appears on screen. "T'Pol, instead of being patient and arresting your crew members one by one, we're going to cut a deal. Whoever on your ship who broke into our torpedo silo should come forward within the next half hour, or we will blow up your ship. So for whoever broke in, there choices are to either spend 5 years at a Vulcan Spiritual Correctional Facility, doing Vulcan chants, or die a fiery death in space."  
  
T'Pol walks the bridge, and speaks in her 'Detained' voice. "Actually, we already found the spy. He is a minor crewman named Ensign Johnson. He was one of the nameless ensigns who beamed down some time ago."  
  
Two security guards drag Ensign Johnson onto the bridge. The ensign yells, "I'm innocent! I'm telling you!"  
  
T'Pol walks up to him, "Don't lie, Ensign. Mr. Reed said he saw you approaching the torpedo silo. Scale, we will beam this spy over to you immediately. Please have the captain and the doctor ready to beam back."  
  
Sc'Lee nods. "Understood. Transporting commencing."  
  
Before the end of the hour, the captain and the doctor are beamed back, and Ensign Johnson is shipped of to a Vulcan Correctional Facility. Porthos jumps into Archers arms as he is injected with his diseases antidote. Archer begins crying. "Oh, Porthos, I misses you so much."  
  
As Trip and T'Pol watch, Trip notices T'Pol crying. "T'Pol, are you seriously crying?"  
  
T'Pol nods, "Yes I am, Lieutenant. My nasal numbing agent just wore of, and I smelled the intestinal gasses you just released."  
  
  
  
  
  
On the Next Episode: The ship sets course for Jupiter Station, and prepares to welcome a new crewmember. And, the rouge ensigns prepare their horrible revenge from the sunny beaches of Risa!  
  
Writer's Log, May 9, 2002: Let's make a deal. For every (positive) review I get, I promise to write one chapter. Will that get more reviews? Anyway, sorry for the absence of new chapters. I promise to write one or two stories over the weekend. End Log. 


	6. Comatose

Title: Another Day On the Enterprise  
  
Chapter Title: Comatose  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Main Characters: N/A  
  
Series Timeline: 'Enterprise'  
  
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, ideas, designs, and techno-babble are the sole property of Paramount, Viacom, and their army of lawyers.  
  
*Scene: The Enterprise glides through space, with stars slowly whizzing by. We cut to the bridge.  
  
We hear the Captains Log, in voice-over mode. "Captains Log, May 11, 2151. Luckily, Mr. Reed managed to come up with a brilliant plan to rescue me and the doctor from the Vulcans on Sri'Mastra Prime. The doctor got back just in time to save my pet Porthos from his virus and to save Ensign Cutler from her mild insanity. However, he still has not been able to properly synthesize T'Pols nasal numbing agent, and T'Pol has been complaining all day about how the ship smells like 'gaseous intestinal releases' and 'canine fluidal waste'. We have been set course for Jupiter Station to restock supplies, engine parts, and ensigns. We should be there within two weeks. We have also been warned of any Nausican activity. In the words of the famous Captain Janeway, I doubt we've seen the last of them."  
  
Reed looks up from his station on the bridge. "Who the bloody hell is Captain Janeway?"  
  
Archer ponders for a minute. "I don't know. She just popped into my mind. She might have been an alien starship captain or an old television character."  
  
Reed shrugs and goes back to work. Suddenly, the entire bridge rocks and several people get knocked out of their chairs. T'Pol falls on Archer, and Mayweather gets a huge grin on his face.  
  
As Archer picks himself up, he looks at Mayweather with a mad look. "Ensign, what have I told you about playing chicken with asteroids?"  
  
Mayweathers grin suddenly dissolves. "You said, 'Asteroids, Warp 5 Engines, and booze don't mix'. But this time I wasn't boozed up, we were at Warp 2, and the asteroid was like two meters across! I even polarized the hull plating before I rammed it, sir."  
  
Archer nods. "Alright, I'm letting you of this time. But next time, I'm going to leave it up to Sub-Commander T'Pol to punish you."  
  
Mayweather gets a frightened look on his face and solemnly turns back to his station.  
  
Suddenly, medleys of crewmembers walk out of he turbo-lift and onto the bridge. The crewmembers include men, women, engineers, security, ensigns and officers. There are about a dozen of them in all. They all crowd onto the bridge and one hands Archer a PADD.  
  
Archer looks quizzically. "What the heck is this? 'Petition of Captains Negligence'?"  
  
The first crewmember gives Archer a serious look. "Sir, we think you have been mistreating the crew. We have several complaints to present to you."  
  
A female engineer steps forward. "I file quite uncomfortable on this ship. I mean, someone tacked up a copy of a Playboy centerfold on the galley bulletin board!"  
  
Archer tries to control his laughter. "Yes, yes…Mr. Tucker will be severely *snicker* 'punished' for that, err, 'presentation'."  
  
A middle-aged security officer steps forward. "You left five of our crewmen floating out in space! The ship is already understaffed as it is!"  
  
Archer frowns. "Yes, that loss to the ship was quite unfortunately…"  
  
Suddenly, a young man shuffles forward. "I need to like protest the ships 'No tell' policy. I want the chance to freely express myself and…"  
  
Reed quickly stands up. "Officer, you are violating the ships 'No tell' policy by hinting towards your queer sexuality! I'm taking you to the brig!"  
  
As the man is dragged towards the turbo-lift, he complains loudly. "This is like so totally unfair! Say, Malcolm, has anyone told you that you have a very sexy build?"  
  
As the turbo-lift swings shut, an Ensign Cutler steps forward. "Sir, you yell at us ensign all the time. It's real disturbing and hurts our ability to work."  
  
Archer yells, "No one asked you, Ensign! Shut Up!"  
  
Several security personnel finally show up. The head security officer starts ushering people out. "Alright people, of the bridge! Don't make me test the new Phase Pistols!"  
  
As the last of the petitioners leave, T'Pol steps forward. "Captain, I must also complain of some of your decisions. Because your dog runs free on the ship, I have repeatedly sensed the smell of his urinal waste in various corners and under the galleys tables."  
  
Finally Archer explodes. "Is everyone here against me?"  
  
With that he stomps of the bridge, headed towards his quarters. Mayweather stands up. "Captain of the bridge! Party!"  
  
Meanwhile, on a route towards Risa…  
  
Ensign Jessica leaned over her laptop computer in the small ship they had built. It was a part Flooritoid, part Starfleet combination, and it housed five ensigns.  
  
Suddenly, the Ensigns laptop screen starts fizzing and crackling and Jessica is showered in sparks. "Dang! That's the third time that's happened this week! What the heck is going on, Jake?"  
  
Ensign Jake shrugs. "Well, I have been noticing a sensor ghost directly behind us. It might be a cloaked ship."  
  
Ensign Jessica thinks to herself. "We learned at the academy to find cloaked ships you should randomly fire torpedoes until we hit the ship, making it visible. Do we have any weapons we an fire?"  
  
Jake shakes his head. "Nothing…the Flooritoids didn't give us a single torpedo."  
  
Ensign Mackenzie suddenly jumps. "I have an idea! We can just throw someone out an airlock!"  
  
Jake rolls his eyes. "Ensign, in the back, give me your boot!"  
  
One of the other ensigns in the back of the ship hands Jake his boot. Jake quickly shoves it in the airlock and it gets sucked out into space.  
  
Jessica leans over the sensor display. "We have something! A Xyrillian ship is decloaking directly behind us! Dropping to impulse speed!"  
  
A Xyrillian captain appears on-screen. "Please do not hurt us! We only seek help! Our warp engines are damaged!"  
  
Ensign Mackenzie smiles at the alien. "We would love to help free of cha--- "  
  
Ensign Jessica smacks her hand over Mackenzie's lips. "Shut up! Sir, we will help you…if you give us a few things."  
  
The alien asks, "Like what?"  
  
Jessica, taking charge begins, "How about…a Xyrillian cloaking device, a hologram projector, and some food and water?"  
  
The Alien nods wearily.  
  
Meanwhile, on the Enterprise…  
  
Archer walks down the passageway to find Porthos running in circles in the corridor. "What do you want, boy? What is it? Why are you whining like that? Say…you sound just like that time a Sulliban was sneaking up on me and---"  
  
A lead pipe come crashing down on the Captains head and we see someone running of. Porthos continues running around his master whining. Finally, Porthos sticks his muzzle and finds a piece of cheese. After eating the cheese, Porthos walks off happy.  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Trip walks through the hall and trips. "What the heck? I hope that wasn't another hung-over ensign…"  
  
Trip turns over the body and finds it's the Captain. "Oh my god! Tucker to Sickbay! Doctor Phlox, get here right away! Help! Help!"  
  
Ensign Cutler, attracted by the commotion, rushes over. She leans over the Captain and feels his neck. "He's dead, Trip."  
  
Trip raises his fists in the air. "No!!! I never got to tell him I loved him!"  
  
Phlox quickly hurries over and double-checks the Captains pulse. "He isn't dead, you idiots! You just don't know how to read a pulse, you stupid ensign!"  
  
Ensign Cutler runs towards her quarters, crying.  
  
Ten minutes later, in the sickbay…  
  
T'Pol, Trip, Hoshi, Reed, and Doctor Phlox are gathered around the Captain. T'Pol asks, "Perhaps I should kiss him. That worked with Mr. Reed."  
  
Reed suddenly looks startled. "That was you kissing me? Everything was fuzzy, and I thought it was Hoshi kissing me! Ew!"  
  
Reed runs towards the bathrooms, spitting.  
  
Phlox begins, "I'm afraid that won't work this time T'Pol. It appears he has a mild coma. He should be up within a few days. Meanwhile, we can still talk to him and he might here us."  
  
Phlox asks, "Can you hear me, Captain Archer?" Phlox pushes a blue button and the Captains index finger twitches. "That must mean yes."  
  
T'Pol asks, "Should I become acting commander, Captain?"  
  
Phlox pushes a red button and the captain's pinky twitches. "I think that means no, Sub-Commander."  
  
Trip pushes forward. "Then who should command?"  
  
Phlox pushes a yellow button on his console, and the Captains middle finger twitches, which is pointing directly at Dr. Phlox.  
  
Trip then turns his head. "Hey, I smell a rat here…"  
  
Phlox hurriedly pushes the crew out of the room. "Okay, that's enough of a visit! Captain Archer needs his rest now!"  
  
  
  
  
  
On the next episode: We get to see inside Archers mind, when he's in a coma! 


	7. Flashbacks

Title: Another Day On the Enterprise  
  
Chapter Title: Flashbacks  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Main Characters: N/A  
  
Series Timeline: Enterprise  
  
Disclaimer: Come on, if you don't remember my earlier disclaimers you have a very, very shot attention span…  
  
*Scene: The NX-101 Enterprise glides through space. We switch to a view of the sickbay.  
  
We hear Dr. Phlox's log, in voice-over mode. "Chief Medical Officers Log, May 12, 2151. Due to Captain Archer's unfortunate accident and resulting coma, I am now the ships commander. I have managed to make more of Sub- Commander T'Pol's nasal numbing agent, and have cured Porthos of his unfortunate virus, but I still haven't managed to revive the Captain. This is unfortunate, but also a bit good, because it makes my the new commander."  
  
Archer opens his eyes and looks around. He says in a groggy voice, "Am I going to be okay, doc?"  
  
Phlox runs over. "Hey, you're supposed to be in a coma! No fair!" With that, Phlox sticks a needle in the Captains arm and the Captain goes back into his coma.  
  
Then, the door swooshes open and T'Pol, Trip, and Malcolm walk in. T'Pol asks, "What is the Captains status?"  
  
Phlox answers, "He's still in a coma. I suspect he should be up again in about 3 days."  
  
Malcolm quips, "T'Pol, Doctor, I really think we should station a security team in sickbay. Whoever attacked him may come back to finish the job."  
  
Trip asks, "Are you working on finding out who hurt him? I want the son of a bitch who hurt him tracked down!"  
  
Malcolm calms him, "Don't worry, we're doing everything we can to find the suspect. I've already assigned Mr. Flinch to the job, and I know he's been working hard to find the suspect because I haven't even heard from him all day."  
  
Meanwhile, in a locked Jeffries tube…  
  
Lieutenant Flinch sits down and bangs on a hatch. He says in an annoying, squeaky voice, "Hey, whoever stole my com-badge and locked me in here is going to pay! Hey let me out! I'm scared…it's dark in here…"  
  
Meanwhile, back in sickbay…  
  
Dr. Phlox walks over to a line up of vials on the wall. "I was examining the pipe which was used to attack the captain." Phlox puts one vial in a rack next to the view screen and a read out appears on the view screen above the imaging chamber. "While I didn't find any traces of DNA or fingerprints, I did find phased plasma residue on it."  
  
T'Pol nods, "Phased plasma comes from the use of both phase weapons and plasma weapons in a confined space."  
  
Trip suddenly looks up, "Say, in that small an amount, I'd bet the phased plasma must of come from somewhere in the Armory! Like the weapons training room!"  
  
Reed looks about uncomfortably, "Well, we did have to do some repairs in that room because two pipes were somehow ripped out of the bulkhead."  
  
Phlox nods. "Well, that means whoever hurt the captain is still out there, ready to use their other pipe on someone else!"  
  
Reed taps his com-badge. "Security to sickbay! I need to brief you about the captains attacker!"  
  
Five minutes later, half a dozen security personnel show up in sickbay. Reed debriefs them about the attacker. "Remember, this attacker is armed with a lead pipe and dangerous. Do not hesitate to burn him to a crisp. Now, go track down whoever has that stolen pipe!"  
  
The security people surround Phlox and put him in handcuffs. Reed yells, "No you idiots! The one with the other stolen pipe, the one that's missing!"  
  
With that, Malcolm and the security personnel trot out of sickbay, totting large Plasma rifles.  
  
Meanwhile, in Archers head…  
  
Archer opens his eyes and looks around. He is laying in a bed way to small for him. The bed is covered in Mutant Ninja Turtle covers. In one corner, Archer sees a bookcase holding several books about astronomy, engineering, and Barbie's. In another corner, there is a tea set surrounded by several stuffed animals. Standing above the tea set is Crewmen Daniels wearing a pink tutu.  
  
Archer gasps. "This is just like my room when I was 12 years old! My Barbie book collection…my tea set…even my stuffed animals! Crewmen Daniels must have brought me back in time again!"  
  
Crewmen Daniels walks over to Archer and hits him on the back off the head. "No you idiot, I never brought you back in time! You're dreaming!"  
  
Archer rubs the back of his head. "Well sorry. You didn't have to…"  
  
Before Archer can finish his sentence, he jumps. He looks around and sees he is in the same room, 3 years later. Pokemon has replaced the Ninja Turtle covers, most of the stuffed animals have been replaced, and the book collection is larger. Just then, Archers dad walks in. "Hey son. Which book do you want to read tonight? We can read the astronomy book on the Mealstrom again."  
  
Archer replies, "No dad, I want to read the book about Fisherman Ken and Barbie the Mermaid again! Please?"  
  
Archer's dad nods. "Alright son. 'One day, Ken decided to go fishing'…"  
  
Just then, Archer jumps again. He looks around, and sees he is on a rowboat on the ocean. He is sitting across from an attractive Xyrillian woman. "Hey, Archer, stick your hands in these crystals!"  
  
Archer looks at the crystals, which are pulsating with there own light. "I don't know…my dad warned me not to stick my hands in strange alien crystals."  
  
The Xyrillian asks, "Why not? In fact, I dare you to!"  
  
Archer shrugs. "Oh well, might as well."  
  
As Archer puts his hands in the crystals, he jumps again. He finds that he is in the forest of the rouge planet. Standing in front of him is the strange shape-shifter.  
  
The woman says, "Hello Jon. You now what? I never thanked you for saving my life."  
  
Archer responds, "Oh, that's okay."  
  
The woman leans closer to him. "No, that's not okay." Then she starts to unbutton her dress.  
  
Archer looks on, when suddenly; he opens his eyes in sickbay. T'Pol, Trip, and Phlox are all looking down at Archer.  
  
Archer sits up and hits Phlox in the back of the head. "Come on, couldn't you of waited for five minutes to wake me up?"  
  
T'Pol taps Archer on the shoulder. "Sir, this is something of great importance. We need to find your attacker!"  
  
Archer sighs. "I was walking to my quarters, disgusted that everyone couldn't do anything but complain. I passed Ensign Nick, who was carrying some broken pipes and…"  
  
Trip squeals, "Thank you! That'll be enough!" He then taps his com-badge and says, "Trip to security! It was Ensign Nick who attacked the Captain!"  
  
Reed replies, over the intercom, "Yes sir! I'm sending a security team right away!"  
  
Meanwhile, in Ensign Nicks quarters…  
  
Three men are playing poker. Ensign Nick says, "Alright, lay down your hands."  
  
Ensign Suber lays down his hand. "Straight, high 8."  
  
Ensign Nick lays down his hand, smiling. "Full house."  
  
Lieutenant Flinch says, "Ace! Do I win?"  
  
The two ensigns shake their heads.  
  
Suddenly, half a dozen security personnel, plus Malcolm Reed burst through the door. "Ensign Nick! You're under arrest for attacking the Captain!"  
  
  
  
Ensign Nick holds up his hands. "Wait this is a big misunderstanding!"  
  
Unfortunately, Nick happens to be holding a smoking pipe in one hand, and he is promptly roasted by seven plasma beams. "Ahhhhhhhhhh!"  
  
  
  
Three minutes later, in sickbay…  
  
Four security guards rush in, carrying Ensign Nicks limp body. Archer rushes forward, to comfort the Ensign. "I'm sorry Nick, I tried to tell them!"  
  
As Ensign Nick is laid down in a bed, Dr. Phlox examines him. Phlox shakes his head. "I'm afraid he doesn't have much time."  
  
Trip stares in amazement. "Captain, I thought you said this was the man who attacked you!"  
  
Archer shakes his head. "No, no he wasn't. I think the ensign can explain."  
  
Ensign Nick coughed. "During the attack by the Vulcans at Sri'Mastra, there was heavy damage taken in the armory. I was assigned to repair the weapons training room (cough). We were just cleaning up the rest of the damage after we left the planet. I was carrying some spare parts, pipes and such, from the Armory to Engineering. As I passed the Captain, I tripped and one of the parts, a lead pipe, hit the captain on the head. Sorry sir (cough). I was scared, you know, Reeds just so tough against anyone who breaks a rule. So I ran (cough)."  
  
  
  
Just then, the Ensign closed his eyes and his health display flat lined. Archer raises his fists in the air. "RRREEEEEEEEEEDD!!"  
  
Reed stepped forward. "What is it captain?"  
  
Archer shrugged. "Just dramatizing a little. You'd better go fill out another form saying we lost an ensign. And add 'Ensigns' to the list of things we need to stock up on at Jupiter station."  
  
Reed nods. "Yes sir. Right away sir."  
  
  
  
  
  
Writers Log, May 27, 2002. Sorry that I haven't written another chapter in a while, I've been busy with school, and also a bit lazy. I have also written another story, an Enterprise/Whose Line Is It Anyway? Cross-over, which can be found under either my list of stories or the 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?' sub-category. End Log.  
  
  
  
  
  
Next Week: Boarding Parties! 


	8. Boarding

Title: Another Day on the Enterprise Chapter Title: Boarding Genre: Humor Main Characters: N/A Series Timeline: Enterprise Disclaimer: See Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and/or 7.  
  
*Scene: The NX-101 Enterprise glides through space. Stars whiz past it. Suddenly, a rather large asteroid bounces of the saucer section. We move onto the bridge, where everyone gets shook up and T'Pol falls out of the Captains chair.  
  
T'Pol yells, "What happened? Ensign Mayweather, if you made us hit another asteroid, you're going down to the brig."  
  
Mayweather tries to keep a straight face. "No I didn't do anything. We were just.passing through a meteor shower. Yea, that's right!"  
  
T'Pol shakes her head. "Isn't the Captain supposed to be making his log entry right about now?"  
  
Hoshi looks over several computer windows. "According to this, the Captain hasn't bothered to make a log entry for three days. Should I wake him up?"  
  
T'Pol says, "Of course! We can't start the chapter without a log entry! Contact him immediately!"  
  
Meanwhile, in the Captains head.  
  
Archer looked around at the dense foliage that surrounded him. A feminine figure walked out of the foliage in front of him, wearing a flowing nightgown.  
  
The women said, "Hello Archer. I want to thank you. I want to please you." With that she slipped of her nightgown, leaving some scanty underwear, and put her arms around Archer, pressing her body on his.  
  
Archer smiled, "I want to please you to." Then he kissed her.  
  
Suddenly, the women started to transform. She dissolved into a giant slug, spreading her slim all over his face.  
  
Archer began screaming. "Aaaahhhhh! Aaaahhhh! Ahhh!"  
  
Archer woke up with a start and sat up in his bed. "Aaahhhh!"  
  
Hoshi commented over the intercom, "Did you have that bad dream again?"  
  
Archer nodded to himself. "Yea. Say, how did you know I've been having bad dreams?"  
  
Hoshi responded, "I like to use the comm. system to listen to people talk in their sleep. As I was supposed to tell you, you need to make your log entry."  
  
Archer nodded to himself again. "Tell Sub-Commander T'Pol I'll do it right away. Archer out."  
  
Archer looked around his room, got dressed, and prepared to make his log entry. A suspicious thought crossed his mind, so he asked, "Computer, is the comm. link to the bridge still open?"  
  
The computer responded simply, "Yes it is."  
  
Archer clenched his fists. "Ensign Sato, turn of the comm. so I can make my log entry in private!"  
  
Hoshi sounded embarrassed. "Sorry sir, right away."  
  
The computer gave a short "Beep" to signal the comm. was turned off.  
  
Archer finally began his log. "Captains Log, May 14, 2151. We are currently in route to Jupiter Station to pick up supplies, and are expected to get there in about one and a half weeks. Starfleet command has also asked us to change our course slightly, so we can monitor any activity of human freighters or Nausican pirates. A short, private service for Ensign Nick's family will be aired tomorrow over the Internet, so they can watch on as we blast his corpse out of a torpedo hatch into deep space. On a lighter note, Doctor Phlox was unfortunately unable to make a full-strength batch of nasal numbing agent, and T'Pol has recently been complaining twice as much about the ship and various crewmembers body odors. Doctor Phlox says we cannot make a full-strength batch until we reach Jupiter Station. Thus, I am afraid the crew will have to endure the Wrath of T'Pol for the next two weeks. End Log."  
  
Ten minutes later, on the bridge.  
  
Archer walks onto the bridge. As he sits down, he makes his first order of the day. "One half-pound cheese burger, hold the onions." Ten minutes later, after the cook delivered the Captains order and T'Pol made several noisy complaints about the smell of animal flesh on the bridge, Archer says, "Report!"  
  
Mr. Reed looks over his panel. "We are ready to change course off of the shipping lanes and head directly to Jupiter Station, and not passing Go."  
  
Mayweather cocks his head, "What do you mean about not passing Go?"  
  
Reed rolls his eyes and reports, "I mean, we are detecting a freighter and two Nausican freighters engaging each other in orbit of the planet Go, which is three light-years away from here."  
  
Archer nods. "Maybe they're getting together for a tea party. Perhaps we should join him."  
  
Reed rolls his eyes again. "Captain, let me reiterate.the Nausicans are probably attacking the freighter so that they can steal their supplies."  
  
Archer nods. "Well, in that case, I say we go directly to Go. But perhaps we should make a slingshot maneuver past this planet Marvin Gardens first."  
  
Reed asks, "Marvin Gardens? That planet doesn't appear on any of the star- charts."  
  
Archer interrupts, "Yes it does! It's right here on this star-chart Mayweather gave me!"  
  
Reed rolls his eyes yet again. "Captain, that's a Monopoly board, not a star-chart."  
  
While Mayweather tries to keep from laughing, Archer stutters, "But.but.it's the same chart I used to find that Vulcan monastery and." Seeing that everyone on the bridge was staring at him, Archer shut up.  
  
Archer finally spoke up again. "Uh.so, set course for Go then.engage."  
  
Ten minutes later in the orbit of the planet Go.  
  
The Enterprise drops out of Warp to find the remains of a human freighter and a half dozen Nausican ships.  
  
Archer looks about irked. "Why didn't anyone tell me that the freighter was already destroyed? This could cause the death of dozens of crewmen, plus myself!"  
  
Reed looks up sheepishly. "Actually, sir, I ignored the sensors so that we could get into a big firefight."  
  
Archer shakes his hands in the air. "RREEEEEEDD!"  
  
Reed looks up. "Yes Captain?"  
  
Archer looks around. "Uh.just polarize the hull and prepare the phase cannons. And fire on the first Nausican ship."  
  
Suddenly the ship is rocked by phaser fire. Reed Let's out a whoop, "Yehaw!"  
  
T'Pol looks into her little periscope thing. "Captain, one Nausican ship has been destroyed by our torpedoes. We have tooken heavy damage in Engineering and the Mess Hall, and warp engines are disabled."  
  
After the ship is battered by another round of phaser fire, Mayweather spins around in his seat. "Captain, I have an idea! I can take out a spacepod and track down some freighters, and convince them to help us!"  
  
Archer nods. "Do it! Bridge to Shuttlebay, prepare a shuttle for Ensign Mayweather!"  
  
Shuttlebay responds, "Can we do it in five minutes Captain? We're in the middle of a game of gin rummy. And can you do something about all this rocking? It's really messing up our card game."  
  
T'Pol addresses the Captain, "Sir, it appears that you idiotically neglected to call a red alert."  
  
Archer shakes his head. "I always seem to forget that. All hands, this is the Captain! Red Alert! All hands to battle stations!"  
  
Reed reports, "Captain, Mayweathers shuttle is underway. He should be able to intercept the nearest freighter within about.six days."  
  
Archer nods. "Alright, target the next Nausican ship and fire!"  
  
After the ship is battered a bit more, T'Pol reports, "Sir, warp engines, plasma extinguishers, kitchen, and the bathroom sink on deck five have all been disabled. We have destroyed two Nausican ships, and our hull polarizer is about to be disabled."  
  
Archer looks around. "Why are we losing so badly?"  
  
Reed reports, "Sir, no one can pilot the ship."  
  
Archer asks, "What the hell do you mean, no one can pilot the ship?"  
  
Reed explains, "Well, Mayweather is gone, and his replacement, Ensign Jessica is missing in deep space and presumed dead. The same is true for the back-up replacement, Ensign Michael, and the Emergency back-up Replacement pilot, Ensign Nick, was accidentally killed by my security personnel two days ago."  
  
The Captain shakes his fists in the air. "REEEEEEED!"  
  
Reed looks up. "Yes Captain?"  
  
Archer shrugs. "I'm really starting to consider demoting you, Mr. Reed."  
  
T'Pol reports, "Weapons systems and hull polarizer have been disabled, Captain. We are defenseless."  
  
Hoshi looks up. "Captain, we're being hailed by a Nausican ship. They demand our surrender."  
  
Archer nods. "Onscreen."  
  
A Nausican captain appears on the screen. "Sir, you have some hamburger meat on your lips."  
  
Archer feels his mouth. "I do?"  
  
The Nausican captain nods. "Yes.right here." The Nausican points to a point on his lips.  
  
Archer finally whips away the hamburger meat on the edge of his lips. "Thanks."  
  
The Nausican nods. "Now, to the matter at hand.our people seek supplies. We would have gotten supplies from the freighter, but my idiot gunner accidentally destroyed the entire ship. So now, we must take supplies from your ship."  
  
Archer stands up. "You seem to have us at your mercy. However, if you board my ship, I promise we will fight to the last redshirt."  
  
The Nausican shakes his head. "I have enough troops to destroy everyone on your ship. However, I am not a mass murderer. Perhaps we can compromise."  
  
Archer nods. "I'm listening."  
  
The Nausican offers a deal. "We will take your ship, and put you down on the closest habitable planet. And that just happens to be planet Go, directly beneath us."  
  
Archer thinks for a minute, and says, "I'll take it."  
  
Ten minutes later, the entire crew has been transported to the surface of the planet. The crew's struggle has only begun.  
  
To be continued. 


	9. Go

Title: Another Day on the Enterprise Chapter Title: Go Genre: Humor Main Characters: N/A Series Time line: Enterprise  
  
Disclaimer: See chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and/or 7  
  
*Scene: Captain Archer slowly climbs a sand-dune on the barren, desert planet of Go. He is dressed in desert garments and rags, Lawrence of Arabia style. He pulls out a tricorder and begins speaking into it.  
  
"Captains log, July 4, 2151. The entire Enterprise crew has been stranded here with me for nearly two months. Anarchy rules in the small colony that Reed quickly christened as 'New Britannica'. I get just a little worried about that guy some times. He's begun muscling the crew with security teams so that he could build up a monopoly on all pineapple rations. We're almost to the point of eating dirt. Or at least, the ensigns are about to eat dirt. I was smart enough to hide about half of the rations so I could eat them later. Now if only I could remember were I buried my cache among all these sand dunes..."  
  
Archer put away his tricorder and began digging random holes in the sand. Our view pans upward so that we can see over the dune that the captain was standing on. Just past the sand dune lies hundreds of holes as far as the eye can see. Navigating all these holes walks Sub-commander T'Pol. T'Pol's cat-suit was still just as tidy as the day they landed.  
  
After about five minutes, T'Pol reaches the Captains position. "Sir, I have something you might want to see."  
  
Archer looked up with a smile on his face. "T'Pol, you have only two things I want to see."  
  
T'Pol reaches down to Archer, in his hole, and gives him a Vulcan nerve pinch. She then grabs the end of his tunic and drags him back to base camp.  
  
Ten minutes later, in New Britannica...  
  
Archer comes to in a tent that contains all his senior officers. He has sand all over him, in him, and on him. Archer stands up and brushes off some dirt from his chest. "So, what did you want to brief me on?"  
  
Reed picks up a strange looking device and sets it on the table in front of him. "Using a communicator, phase pistol, and some sand, Trip and I were able to construct a temporal communicator."  
  
Archer glared at him. "Reed, just what did I tell you about playing in Crewmen Daniels quarters?"  
  
Reed lowered his head. "Sorry, but I couldn't resist my urges."  
  
Archer looked past Reed at T'Pol. "Well, Reed, just remember that as a Starfleet officer you can't run on impulse all the time. You have to be responsible."  
  
Reed followed the Captains gaze. "Well then, why do you keep staring at T'Pol's chest?"  
  
"Uh, wha...huh? What?" The captain quickly started paying attention again, as he whipped some drool from the corner of his mouth.  
  
Reed rolled his eyes. Trip stepped up, and pointed at the device. "Anyway, Cap'n, this here baby will transmit up to two months into the past at over a 1000 gigahertz frequency, using cross-Legrange reference points to refine the beam."  
  
The captain looked at T'Pol again. "So, what do you think?"  
  
T'Pol pointed at the device. "This will not work, because time travel is illogical. The Vulcan Science Directorate said so."  
  
Archer yelled at her, "Take your Vulcan cynicism and bury it!"  
  
T'Pol walked out of the tent, mumbling, "I'll do a better job at it then you can."  
  
Reed looked at Hoshi, who's clothing had been torn up in the landing, and replaced with a few rags. "Would you like the honor of firing her up?"  
  
Trip and Malcolm stood back as Hoshi began operating the communicator. As she bent over, Trip and Malcolm got some nice views. Trip whispered, "It's too bad we have to change this set-up."  
  
Reed shook his head and whispered back. "We have to do it. It was nice while it lasted, but I'm running out of pineapples..."  
  
Sort of meanwhile, on the Enterprise, on May 14, 2151...  
  
The ship was rock by another round of Nausican fire, and Reed's grin grew ever larger. Mayweather spun around in his seat and faced the captain. "Captain, I have an idea! I can take out a space pod and track down some freighters, and convince them to help us!"  
  
Archer nodded. "Do it! Bridge to Shuttlebay, prepare a shuttle for Ensign Mayweather!"  
  
Just as Mayweather left, Hoshi looked up. "Captain! We're being hailed by the planet's surface! They claim to be from the future!"  
  
Archer gasped. "On screen!"  
  
A floating Captain Archer head appeared in front of the screen. "Hey, me! Nice to see ya!"  
  
Archer admired himself. "You look fantastic!"  
  
Floating Archer replied, "You too, baby!"  
  
The ship was jerked by a phaser hit, and floating Archer hit his head on the ceiling. Reed coughed. "Excuse you gentlemen, but we need some tactical advice!"  
  
Floating Archer nodded, or more accurately, bobbled. "Oh yeah! Don't let Mayweather escape! He's the only one who can pilot the ship!"  
  
Reed turned toward his comm. Channel. "All security units! Capture Ensign Mayweather and return him to the bridge!"  
  
Meanwhile, in the corridor leading to Shuttle Bay 2...  
  
Mayweather heard the announcement and began running faster. "Oh crap!" Mayweather saw security teams running at him from the front of the corridor, and then from behind him, so he jumped into a hatch to his side. Luckily, the hatch lead to Shuttle Bay 1. Mayweather jumped into Shuttlepod One just as a plasma blast ricocheted of the shuttlepod's hull. Mayweather yelled at the guards, "Ha ha! I finally escape!", as he shut the hatch and brought the shuttle to a slight hover over the hanger floor.  
  
In retaliation, the guards set their plasma weapons to maximum charge and aimed for the shuttles engines. Trip jumped in front of them, screaming, "No! I just purged the impulse manifold on that shuttle!" Just then, Mayweather brought the shuttle to slam through the hanger, tearing the hull open, and causing the security team and Trip to be sucked out into space.  
  
Meanwhile, on the bridge...  
  
Reed looked up from his panel. "We just lost the security team, and we still don't have anyone to fly the ship!"  
  
Floating Archer looked at Sitting Archer. "Hey, don't we know how to pilot?"  
  
Sitting Archer exclaimed, "Oh yeah!" With that, he jumped up to Mayweathers post and began piloting. The battle quickly turned even, but the Enterprise was still taking heavy damage. Reed yelled a report, "Dorsal phase cannons gone! Left nacelle gone! Shuttlebay destroyed! Ladies bathroom toilet on Deck 5 plugged!"  
  
Floating Archer screamed, "Ah! I'm gonna die! We're all gonna die!"  
  
Hoshi swatted at the floating head. "That's my job! Ah!" Hoshi ran to her quarters alternately crying and screaming.  
  
Floating Archer said, "Hey, I just remembered something. Future Trip said there's something like a temporal field transversal in the planets ionic atmosphere. If you pass through that everything will be reset."  
  
Reed yelled over the crackle of braking wires, "He's right! The reset meter detector is showing a nearby reset anomaly! I suggest we use it!"  
  
Archer, with the last of his strength, pulled the ship into a slight dive, but then he fell back, ready to pass out. Just then, Porthos showed up on the bridge and began tugging at Archer's arm. "What is it boy? You need me to finish?" Finally, Porthos jumped up and took a piece of cheese from Archers pocket. As he jumped down, he pushed on the lever that turned the Enterprise towards the planet GO.  
  
Right about then, Hoshi showed up again, and she and floating Archer clutched each other, screaming. "Ah! We're gonna hit! We're all gonna die!"  
  
With that, the Enterprise slammed into the atmosphere and burned to a crisp.  
  
Sort of meanwhile, on the Enterprise, on July 4, 2151...  
  
Floating Archer jumped, and arrived on the bridge screaming that they were all gonna die. "Oh! We're gonna hit! We're all gonna die!"  
  
Archer turned around to see that he was a whole body again, aboard a pristine Enterprise. Hoshi was sitting at the conn, gripping in tension, in a complete uniform, and Reed and Trip were giving high-fives, congratulating each other on their success. Archer smiled. "Well, it looks like Mayweather never abandoned us, Trip isn't dead, and the Enterprise didn't burn to a crisp."  
  
Reed sat down at his station. "Sir, I am detecting a shuttlepod from the past Enterprise moving away from the system at high impulse. Should we intercept?"  
  
Archer looked at Mayweather, who was gleefully turning the ship toward the nearest asteroid field. "I think we all have had enough Mayweathers for one generation."  
  
T'Pol spoke up, "I still don't believe in time travel..."  
  
Meanwhile, onboard evil temporal clone Shuttlepod One...  
  
Evil temporal clone Mayweather looked around the shuttle, his little kingdom. His plan was in the works...he'd go find the other abandoned ensigns and plot revenge. He had already located a small warp trail leading in the general direction of Risa...  
Authors log: March 28, 2003. I find it hard to believe it's been over a year since I started this story. Sorry that I've been absent for about 7 months. It's a long story involving Oregon, which I don't care to tell. Anyway, I passed English 9, and now I'll be writing quite a bit more... 


End file.
